Before we begin, a quick note. Convos With Ma had our Meta account hacked. This resulted in funds being removed from our CWM account on behalf of what Meta called, “An Intruder.” Both Meta and our bank Chime have apologized for the unfortunate incident. However, it is possible we hacked our account, so, the funds are irretrievable. “This matter is now final.”

That pissed me off quite a bit. On principle, we will no longer do business with either company, which includes Facebook and Instagram. Because my 87 year old ma loves the Facebook, I will not kill the page. I want to kill it. I have fantasized placing my fingers around the throats of The Face and The Gram, but I will not. The accounts will live there dormant for all of eternity, or until someone unplugs those bastards… Bastards.

I took a week off from looking at any of this because I was mad at it. But anyway. This is a couple of weeks old, but it does highlight 87 year old Bertie May in an energetic light. Which was the point, I think.

Below are some clips from each of the eight topics we discussed on the full podcast. Enjoy.

See you not on Meta… Those mother f**king sons and daughters of w**res!

Anyway…

The podcast will continue as we lean heavily into YouTube.

A potential pig war.

“I want you to feel sad with me.”

Laughing yourself dead.

A president’s fucking bird.

Screw the building, save the ice cream!

Yes, he won the marathon, but he’s dead now.

Ooowww! God damn it, that hurt! I will call it electricity.

“I know when to turn it off.”

87 year old Bertie May and I took a week off and headed west to San Diego. We found every possible Indian and their reservation casino, watched the Padres lose to the Phils, and generally gained about 5 pounds consuming everything from Charred Chicken Mole to Chocolate Chip Cannolis. Anyway, back to the mics!

Click here to listen to the unedited show wherever you podcast.

Subscribe now

1. Hey Fido! What do you think of Cassavetes?

Ma and I discuss the Chinese startup that has Up’d your dog. You know, the collar that translates his loves, hates, and future dreams into audible expression.

They claim to have a 95 percent success rate. Word? Well, I don’t need a talking collar to inform me your dog thinks my leg is a chew toy.

They have cat collars too, but no one really wants to hear a cat ask their human over and over if they are ready to die yet. I already know that on the day of my inevitable coronary event, Mr. Whiskers is going to pop my eye into it’s mouth.

2. Listen, Gerfried. People are no longer looking at the art!

Ma seems to hate a chesty lady.

This pops again as we discuss a free admission to a Cezanne exhibition in Basel, Switzerland. However, not everyone gets in for free. Only the ones that show up in swimwear.

Swimwear does have a wide interpretation. I’m sure some were appropriate for art consumption. Yet, I can’t imagine that everyone was only looking at art. There must have been a blue eyed Swiss lady with an Italian surname that was, umm, enjoying being part of the exhibit.

Her roploplos are ruining the exhibit. Kiste!

3. Now, juggle it with your chin, Dummy!

This guy must have a massive chin, according to Ma.

Why does Guinness entertain these Darwin mocking yahoos? Here is a guy who shows up at his sons soccer match with a chainsaw, a chin, and a goal.

And then he sets a world record. Cool…

Cool! This has been a test. We think this might be a better presentation than the labor intensive shorts and reels that do get a lot of views, but do not translate into any real relationships. It’s not dissimilar to walking around a Costco eating all the samples. Sure, I’d love to try a shrimp flavored sugar cookie, but I’m not going to buy a case of them.

Frankly, I have no idea how to find more people to listen to my Ma and I. This feels like and old school blog, which I like to make. I don’t particularly like hanging out on IG or FB or YT or LI or FU or DD. I think those are mostly the places, but I can’t remember.

We can do all eight clips next time. And, umm, thanks for stopping by.

AA

Yet, by the time we get to the horizontal and vertical head cavity morsel chunks, these ideas start to grow stale, I guess. I mean, I’ve never been mad at a picture because it happens to be old, but it’s not about us. It’s about deepthroating society with our stuff as soon as it has been erected.

Here it is. Join us on YouTube or wherever you podcast if it is easier for you to do so. A podcast on your commute is cool. A smart TV background to the vacuum cleaner in your she shed? Go ahead. We also try to be as local as possible, so join our Facebook page. For us, that is the Southern border of the California south. That is everywhere from Petco Park, to The Prison Hill Brewing Co in Yuma, and everywhere in between.

Orale!

I don’t think Ma was feeling too good on this one. But she did soldier through with some excellent answers.

Like, “Do you know what Louis XIII cognac is?”

Some kind of boxer?

“Do you know what a monitor lizard is?”

Not really. What is he monitoring?

“Could it be Jesus calling you when a spam caller calls?”

I still don’t pick up.

I assumed her performances would hinder on the quality of the day an 87 year old might be experiencing when the tape starts rolling. She might not be killing it, but she is kicking it in the face a few times.

If Substack is not your place, we have a YouTube channel and a podcast feed. Some of the kind people that signed up to follow us on here have described quite the barrier to entry. “Why do I have to follow all these other people?”

You don’t. But this is still a good place to hang out and sniff around if you do. If you have wadded through the brush and bramble to join us here, we fuckin’ appreciate it.

If you are curious about this neighborhood called Substack, there are 35 million other folks to visit.

This episode has been sponsored by Erik McElvany at Farmer’s Insurance here in El Centro, California. We all have something that needs to be insured, and Eriks a good dude. Give him a call at 760-352-3341.
McElvany Insurance Agency

I will keep this one short and sweet. It’s been about twelve hours since we rebranded, and I am ready to go outside and ignore both conversations AND my Ma. Everything was changed. From Facebook pages to Ko-Fi accounts to Substack themes. Everything. ANYWAY…

If you are unaware, this endeavor is an effort to keep my 87 year old mother’s mind as strong as a wild bear, which she might have been in a different life. However, she did complain that on the news show, on occasion, she sounded like, “…a dumb, old lady. An idiot. So stupid!” I get it, Ma. That’s not what I want. So we pivot.

I told Ma that she didn’t need to stress out over these recordings anymore. She could speak freely without worrying that her bingo friends might disown her if we selectively picked out the best exchange. If she sounded confused or inarticulate, I’ll cut it. No problem. Don’t worry ‘bout it. I got you, Ma.

We picked out three topics, talked about each for about ten minutes, and then I chose this one. The other two were Margaret Thatcher thatching around and the Tijuana poop water that was making it’s way up the coast for a vacation in, on, and around Imperial beach. But boobs and their support won in the end. Boobs always win in the end.

I will attempt two convos a week. I hope you like.

AA

Ma thinks the butt would have been more viral.

Scientists are surprised when the meat does stuff.

It’s gross, apparently, when you use a nail for its intended purpose.

This is a shorter one. I had the bright idea I would edit the whole show like we do our clips that we share. Like this one:

However, Canva has a limit of ten minutes for the video editor. I did not know that. I thought we would truncate the show to allow for the time it would take for editing, but what are you going to do? I’m kind of relieved. I like the audio-only aspect with the fun clips flung around the internet. Playing with the Canva editor has lit a curious fire to learning how to actually edit video, but I won’t shoehorn that into this endeavor.

Back to 10 stories for episode 10.

On this one, we talk about a cat that likes the smell of a Georgia living room (?!), a streamer’s straw insert, a cow that can reach the hard places, a gross robot that can pick boogers, and the actual meaning of being 86’d.

AA

A bonobo pretends to be happy.

Michael gets lucky he is not as bad as Hitler.

An alleged big lady is found hiding in the vents.

Ma didn’t like her performance, unfortunately. After listening, she said, “I sound like an old lady!” Well, you are, Ma, but that’s ok! I still think she is worried about who is listening vs. what is coming out of her mouth. She’ll let her guard down eventually. When there is no tape rolling, that’s a loud lady.

To be fair, if she is critical about her performance, that indicates she wants to improve. Excellent! She even asked if we could do a second take. Unfortunately, I have already edited and uploaded the pod. It’s fine. You get a new swing in three days, Ma! It’s all good.

We talk about a dog biting man, rows of human teeth, Mike’s lucky day, erased bible pages, a hiding dust bunny, attacking a demon, a valuable parking spot, Bug Tussle, and a Bonobo pretends just like us.

AA

Jesus and his hotel rider…

and finally, Dumbo, most likely, flew out.

My Ma and I were hoping you would consider subscribing to the podcast, our Substack, or join us wherever you like to hang out. Enjoy the full episode.

If you didn’t know, this entire endeavor is an exercise in cognitive calisthenics. In other words, we are keeping Ma’s 87 year old mind as limber as possible. However, my mind is getting its stretch on as well. I yell questions at Ma, and she says things like, “I guess so.” “Welp, there you go.” “Sometimes you gotta slap a bitch.”

Ma! You don’t say bitch anymore. It’s lady now…

BTW, I’m tired of this in other words phenomenon. Chat GPT says it, Andrew Huberman says it, politicians have been saying it a lot, lately, as well.

Here is the rub: It’s not dissimilar to saying, “I will say it again using dumber words for you dummies, just in case you are too dumb for the first, smarter interaction with this data.” Huberman does it incessantly…

“I was headed to my Tuesday morning latissimus dorsi training session, in other words, my lat day, or the back muscles, if you will. It’s the opposite of training the pectoralis major muscle, or the chest, using other words…”

Get on with it, Andy! You and your gothic attire have to SPEED IT UP!

ANYWAY!

On this one, Ma and I discuss poisoned feet, Juwanna Man, hungry Jesus, roadkill prices, fat American worms, bi-racial lobsters, a ball touching boy, flammable celebrations, a clown with thin skin, and Shakespeare’s hijacked birthday.

Thanks for stopping by. You’re always welcome here.

AA

Please consider subscribing to our Substack, Podcast, or joining us wherever we hang out. If you feel flush, consider donating to this tiny boat right here. Thanks!

What happens when you have very little prep, an 87-year-old lady with a mic, and a cereal bowl of coffee flsvored coffee? Dis cool episode. It turns out that everything is better off the cuff.

I realize a first draft is never better than edits upon edits. However, trying to skip ahead to final draft by way of multiple pages of premade show notes? No, man. We are ill equipped for an academic approach. We are honed for award winning dive bar bullshiting. That’s us. Quicker than the average drunk bears.

And that, it turns out, was good enough. Lesson learned.

9 more stories that also include hot air baloons, robot marathons, and Bieber’s cool ten mil, to name a few more than the tittle’s three.

6 is greater than 5.

Thanks to Las Palmitas Restaurants for the double sponsor. If you are in the Imperial Valley, it’s worth your time.

Good job, Ma!

Forget about AI. The 87 year old Bertie May became self aware on this one.

We prepped. Which was a mistake. Our off the cuff banter became an agenda competiton. Mine, trying to force in the jokes I had prepared, Ma’s, trying to be cute, caring and clever. Our typical banter ruined by pre show notes. Lesson learned.

Maybe you will feel different. We have all been congratulated for work we felt was sub par while having our most genius moments go unnoticed. So, what the hell do I know? What I do know is we had to scrap our first thirty minute take for the one that is above. It’s better, but only because a third take sounded like torture.

Ma said, “Maybe we skip this one. We will try again latter.” No, Ma. We don’t skip. We apologize for the farts. We don’t blame them on the dog. Smell your farts, Ma. In proud, loud voices, let them know, “That burning in your nostrils is us! WE did that!”

Onward to six…

AA

This one comes on my final week on terestrial radio. Even though this endeavor marks a new direction, the old signs look the same. Tonight, (A Tuesday?!), will be my last broadcast as a quote, “On Air Talent.” I only mention this because it feels like the day is, like, four hours too short. I’m sure tomorrow will be odd when I discover the day actually has 28 hours and I will begin to be bored enough to wonder how many fingers will fit into my rectum.

This show was conceived as an outlet for my 87 year old ma to stay sharp, which she is, and to stay interested in life as her peers ride off into the ether. However, I am starting to feel some creative ownership on the content and production. It can be better. I will see to it.

BTW, whenever someone passes on, I have taught my 87 year old ma to do an impression of DJ Khaled.

“Another one.”

The 87 year old Bertie May grabbed her mic and headphones, jumped onto her Lazy-Boy, and then asked, “Are you ready to do this?”

No, ma. It’s 5:30am. Can I inject a bit of caffeine before we try any improvisational humor? Thanks. Just because you woke up the roosters doesn’t mean I have any idea what a sunrise is.

ANYWAY… It’s nice that Ma is into it. That’s the whole point. Nine more stories for you to enjoy.

AA

Episodes are also available on iTunes, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to audio.

Episode two was recorded on Easter Sunday morning is sponsored by Mando’s Stereo and Ten Go Tacos, both in Imperial County Ca.

I’m still learning how to Substack, so I will keep this short and sweet for now.

Thanks for listening and tell a friend.

Aaron.